February 14th, 2008 - Valentine's

I love you, babe.

April 10th, 2007 - Happy Birthday

December 30th, 2006 - Old Time Poetry

So there is an Old-Time Poetry that is gone today You bring back with your every breath Every little glimmer of you Is a little glimmer of it whistling its Dixie Singing its summer song Barefoot in the green green grass Falling on its drunken ass There is an old-time And it is gone today But you With every glimmer of you   I can see it alive again Whispering                 dixie

October 8th, 2006 - I Didn’t Know It Could Be Like This

I'm writing this on the airplane to New York before my laptop battery runs down. I'm sort of watching Sesame Street on this little boy's DVD player and I have an empty seat next to me, which is nice. I look around. I eat my tacky crackers. I play my games and read my books. I make polite chit chat with the stupid girl sitting next to me. But all I can think about is you. There's a woman a few seats down with a kid who I'd guess is 2-3 years old. When I got on the plane and saw her, I sighed, because a kid is the last thing you want in your row, as they have a tendency to start shrieking wildly for no apparent reason. And it's that magical babyshriek that pierces through the loudest music or the most silentest headphones. But the kid is super well-behaved. I looked over a few minutes ago and the kid was asleep on his mom's lap – and they both looked very content. It made me think of you and what a wonderful mother you'll be. How I hope our kids will be well-behaved on airplanes, so we can take them anywhere with us. I know it's been awhile since I've written anything for you here. But things have been moving so quickly and I've been devoting the moments that I used to spend writing these updates to things like making love to you, holding your hand, and cooking moderately-tasty dinners with you. I've gone from a person worried about missing out on the greatest thing that could ever happen to me to being the boy who suddenly got everything he ever wanted. So, it's hard to find the time to write things about how much I love you when I'm so busy loving you. So, I guess that's one of the good things about traveling. It is only a few days until I get to see you again, in the city of lights, the city of love. And I cannot wait to be there with you. I love you. Omeed. This is the song that makes me think of you today. Ps. The movie on the first flight is The Devil Wears Prada. Whammy. Headsets are 3$. Whammy. Pps. Thanks for keeping me up late. I'm absolutely exhausted which means I'll get some sleep on the next flight. Ppps. The headphones are free on the next flight, as is the wine. Bien!

August 18th, 2006 - The Violet Estate

Yesterday, you gave me a beautiful gift and I was speechless. It was the kind of gift that I never would have expected to receive from a woman as beautiful as you and I will be grateful for it forever. I will water it and show it all of the light that I see. We will grow together, always growing stronger because of the love you brought into our world. One day soon, you and I will put our violets into the same soil and they, like us, will grow into one. Then, when we get that house in the country, we will take them out and plant them there in our garden. As we grow old together, we will watch them spread across our land until they cover over everything. In the cool evening, we will walk among the flowers and think about how wonderful our lives have been. We will be surrounded by our love and it will be overwhelming. It will be the impossible love of the old authors. We will look upon it and say "look what we have made." "Look what we have done. For love." And many years from now, when we die, we will gift the estate to our children and they can tend the flowers of our love which will become the flowers of their love. In a few generations, the place will be overgrown with our violets. Violets along the walls and on the roof. Violets, their little blooms, seeking the place for which we have departed. The people will come from miles around to see what majesty our love has wrought, to believe in love again and see with their very own naked eyes that love still exists and that it is everywhere you look, but only if you are looking. Because our love has grown from a single bloom, out of the earth itself. Our love is growing larger and stronger every day. Even after we are departed, our love will linger on, growing with each passing day, gathering strength in its blossoms. And they will call it the Violet Estate, those who to see it. The Violet Estate, a beautiful home in the middle of nowhere that is absolutely bursting with beauty and love. And for years the story will grow. About a boy and a girl. Nobody special. From nowhere special. A boy and a girl who needed nothing. But each other. And love. And the violets that grow atop their graves. That will be the Violet Estate and there will hang a sign forever on the gate. It will read. I love you. Omeed.

August 17th, 2006 - What Else is There to Say?

<3

August 12th, 2006 - I Cannot Stop Remembering

What I miss already (and it has been less than eight hours) are these things: The color red against your white skin. Your gentle hands on my face. Your naked foot rubbing against mine. Waking up alone and realizing that I just need to roll over to be next to you again. Kissing the back of your neck while you sleep. Little beautiful sounds you make. Soft parts brushing against my lips. My mind hazy, trying to figure out if I am dreaming or awake, trying to figure out if I can really feel this way. Sitting on the floor with you, my arms around you, both of us looking in the mirror and realizing, simultaneously, that this is wonderful. This is love. There is no question. This is real. I feel stronger than ten men today. I feel like I could live forever. I can’t stop smiling. ps. I told my mom about you today. But I didn't have a chance to tell her much. pps. You and Pedro should head up here after the movie.

August 10th, 2006 - I need to borrow your book.

I want to copy this poem into it. I love you. Omeed. This is the song that makes me think of you today.

August 3rd, 2006 - Even in My Dreams

I slept for ten hours last night and I dreamt of you it seemed the entire time. Mostly it was that I could see your face, but some of you was light. I could feel you, your proximity, your body warmth. The dream kept on and on. I woke up every few hours with the strongest feeling that you were next to me. I would roll over to embrace you, to feel your hair on my face, but you were not there and the bed was too cold for summer. I miss the way it felt to lay next to you. The way my sheets and pillows would keep the faint smell of you, for days even. I miss the way that I slept when I was with you, just happily, happily knowing that if I woke in the night, that you would be there to make me feel okay. I tried writing something for you today, but it wasn't very good. I think I'm too tired and stressed. I think I need a vacation. I think I need to take you to Hawaii and hold your hand on the beach and look into your eyes and tell you about all the wonderful things I see there. I think I need a massage. You mentioned that you're worried about disappointing me, that maybe you're not as good or wonderful as I think you are. That maybe I've built you up into something you can never be. That you will finally decide to let yourself love me, and I will realize that I was only in love with the idea of you. That would break your heart. So I wanted to tell you that it's bollocks. And, you know from talking to me, that's not a word I use very often, being that I'm not British. But you're worrying about nothing. I know you're intimidated by the love between us - that it is too big, too powerful, that you aren't ready for that kind of feeling in your life. I know you're intimidated by me... the things that I've accomplished, the romance I have inside of me, the love I have for you, my writing skill. I know you're worried that you aren't able to match me at a lot of different things. I know you're worried that I don't think you're very smart or talented. I know you're worried that your life isn't going to end up in the right place and that you'll never get to be all the things you've always wanted to be. But it's all bollocks. You're sharp and smart and wonderful. You'd be so brilliant if you just let yourself do it. You'd be so many wonderful things if you didn't hold back. You are so much better than me at some things that it leaves me in awe. I mean, you're not as good a writer as I am, but I've been practicing my whole life... so I wouldn't sweat that one too much. You have this unlimited capacity for love... and that is one of the things that makes you so special. If you let yourself, you'd shine brightly and forever, you’d be a beacon, a lighthouse, a wonderful little piece of the universe that helps those who wander find their paths. That saves lives. You've been that for me and you always will be. You'd be an instrument of good. As far as me losing interest in you... that's probably never going to happen. You're a work of art. You're the sweet music in my soul. You're a poem. I can't take my eyes off you. I think about your form and notes and lines all the time. I feel so much when I am with you. When I look into your eyes, I can see everything. I can see the shapes of things and the simple beauty of life and death. I feel loving and loved. When you're with me, everything is so simple. All life's knots come undone and everything that once seemed impossible seems obvious and simple. And I can't imagine any reality where I would want that to end. Simply, I love you in a way I've never loved anyone before. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I'm not just saying that. I'm not rationalizing or equivocating or building you up in my head to be anything more than what you are. I know who you are and what you are. And it's what I want. You're exactly the person I've been looking for since forever. And I'm exactly the person you've been looking for since forever. Neither of us is perfect, but that's okay. You're an amazing person who makes me laugh, who makes me think, who makes me evaluate and reevaluate everything I know. You make me think of a future I never even thought was possible. When I thought about my life in ten years, I always just figured that I'd be dead. I couldn't see any sort of real future for me. I mean I figured, being too much of a coward to kill myself, that I'd amble on, fucking girls, selling my writing, that sort of thing. I could wander from place to place and marvel at the humanity all around me, wondering how it was that they could feel so many things. I could watch the world go on until I couldn't keep up any more, but I never saw myself in it really. But you. You make me think of a real future, a better future. I can see us together as old people, still holding hands on the sidewalk. I can see the little house we'll buy - or maybe it will be a big house. I can see myself kissing you on London Bridge and the Empire State Building and on the path to the Meiji Shrine. I can see our white wedding day, with you in that beautiful dress, tears in your eyes and your mom's eyes and knowing that I have a dozen surprises waiting for you before our honeymoon begins. And all the people there, applauding our first kiss as husband and wife. They will come from all over to see that kiss. I can see your hand in mine as you give birth to our first child. I can see myself holding it, all wrapped up (so I can't tell if it's a boy or girl), handing it to you with tears in our eyes. Our child. Our future. You have to give that future a chance. You can't doubt its authenticity, even though it may seem too good to be true. It is a brilliant thing, a beautiful dream. Right now, it's an apparition, a ghost in the dark. It's flickering in and out, waiting for a sign. If it becomes real, it will be real forever. But it is fading away a little each day. At some point, it will be gone and we won't be able to get back. If that day comes, it will be a shadow across the face of humanity. We will be a little worse for it. A little of our love will have died. Sadly. And, if you want to know another thing that makes me certain that you are the only girl for me, here it is: I have stopped looking for girls. That's not to say that I don't appreciate a beautiful woman when I see one, but rather to say that I no longer seem to have any interest in tricking them into taking off their clothes for me. I've never really felt that way before. In past relationships, I have always at least felt like chatting girls up to, you know, stay in practice for the inevitable time when I was single again. But now, when I end up in a random conversation with an attractive woman, I no longer awkwardly look for opportunities to ask her out. When I see that she is interested in me, I just smile inside and think about how I already have the most wonderful girl in the world. And that is enough for me. You are enough. Don't be afraid of disappointing me. You won't. Don't be afraid that I will lose interest in you. I won't. All you have to do to make me happy is be the wonderful, sparkling person that you are. Come home at night and hug me. Hold my hand when we go places sometimes. Kiss me goodnight. Love me like you love the world. You are enough for me. You're the only thing in this world that I want, the only thing I dream about. Everything in my life pales next to you. You'd make me the happiest, luckiest man in the world. I love you. Omeed. ps. I'll see you soon. Maybe I'm sitting next to you right now. If I am, you should give me a kiss. If you rushed home and read this before I got there (I know you did!), then, by all means, you should plant one on me right after I come in. I love the way your lips feel on my lips. pps. I'd never make a fool out of you.

July 30th, 2006 - You Are Too Beautiful

My wonderful girl, I don't have time to write you anything today, but I am just remembering how beautiful you look and the little way you smile when I touch your face. And you should listen to this song. I love you and I'll see you soon. Omeed.

July 28th, 2006 - It Means So Much to Me

Hey cute girl, I don't have time for a proper update today (nor will I in the near future), but I just wanted to say thank you for the pictures you sent me. They 100% made my night and day today. Even though it was just a small thing, I want you to know how much it meant to me. It made me feel special and wonderful. I wish I could feel like that all the time. I love you. Omeed.

July 27th, 2006 - Our Time Together

It's funny, because I just figured that the clock would stop when the counter reached 0:00:00:00. But, instead of counting down, now it's counting up. It's counting up from the moment we came together again, the moment you first kissed me again, the moment when I felt like the world started again. It's counting up the moments of our lives we are sharing. It will never stop. So I can't really take this site down... not while you're in my life. Not as long as I know you look at it every day and it reminds you how much I love you. Not as long as it makes you smile and makes you think of me. Last week is a dream to me now... when I look back on the sad and hopeless person I was then, it's like looking at someone else, floating on the edge of my memory. A past life, a worse life, a lesser life than I have now. Just hearing your voice over the telephone fills me with a power I cannot understand. I look at the few pictures I have of you and I could fight off everything of humanity. I could lose for the rest of my life and still count myself a winner; you are so beautiful. I walk faster and there is a fire in my eyes that they can all see. I breathe deep breaths and feel like the entire world belongs to me and I could unhook it from the stars if I chose. I feel you in my soul. And I cannot say that about anyone else. You remind me of poetry and music and all the things in the world that resonate and ache with beauty. Of the simple dreams of a young boy. Of everything and nothing. I know now how it felt to be born and how it will feel to die. And neither, neither can compare to the simple pleasure of holding your body close to mine. I love you. Omeed.

July 25th, 2006 - True Love Waits

It was so nice to kiss you again last night. I'd forgotten what it felt like. And it felt right. I like sitting on my bed and telling you about love. I like watching your eyes glisten as you drink it all in. I like touching your face and the way you move to feel my hand. I like the way you fit in my arms and I can just hold you close to me. I like the way that you move your body closer to mine sometimes. I wish you were never far from me. I'm glad we spent so long talking last night that I cannot even think today. The things you told me didn't make me happy, but I know that they are right... and I know that they mean we will be together in that wonderful way soon. In the meantime, we will be together and I can tell you about love and show you all the glittering and brilliant things I see in your soul and that you make me see in my soul. It makes me so happy to know how much you're thinking about your life and what you want out of it, because it would be so easy for yours to be a sad story with a sad ending. But I know it won't be, and that, more than anything else I know, fills me with optimism. And I will wait for you. When you are ready, whenever that is - next week or far from now, when we are ashes falling from the aeroplane over the sea, I will be ready to love you as no man ever has, with stars in our eyes and dreams on our screens. True love waits... and it is waiting for you, Kirsten. I love you. Omeed. Here's a song for you. ps. Happy anniversary Kathy and Mark! I hope you had a wonderful night. Kathy: I need you on Team Omeed, not to convince Kirsten to get in a relationship with me right now, but to convince her that she should want to find a way to be ready for one. I need you to know how much I love your daughter and how good she makes me feel every time she smiles. And I need you to know that I will always do everything I can to make her happy and keep her safe. Also, remember, the people who are on the team are the ones who get the GOOD Christmas presents!

July 24th, 2006 - Meet Me in Montauk

There is no glass slipper waiting for you in Montauk. There is no fairy tale magic. No bippity boppity boo. No pumpkin carriage will take you home. No Fairy Godmother will grant your wishes. There will be no songs sung by friendly mice or seven dwarves. No well-wishing animals of any sort will cavort or caper or sew you a gown for the ball. There will be no whistling bluebirds. No songbirds of any sort. No wish upon a star, no matter who you are. There is no dragon-slaying Prince Charming to wake you from your slumber with a kiss. There is no poetry waiting to be read. Well, maybe a couple lines. There are no flowers. Well, maybe one flower. There is no golden sunset to ride into on your horse or Cabbage Patch Big Wheel. There will be no applause as the credits roll. There will be only me. And you. And the things you bring with you. But that doesn't mean your dreams won't come true. Picture. Song.

July 23rd, 2006 - A Love So Great...

So, this is the last day before the clock goes all red. It feels like it's been a lifetime since I can remember anything at all. I must have aged a dozen years and my hair has all gone gray. These things must have happened. Today, I have slept almost none at all and I cannot even remember before that. I do not know when I will sleep again. All I know is that I have a list of items that must be completed before I can rest again. This list must have been compiled by me in a former life, because when I look at the words, I cannot for the life of me recall writing them. It is certainly not my handwriting. I wonder for a moment if that former version of me is just playing some sort of trick on me and all of this is just a dream... and when I realize it, I'll slip back into my normal life, my waking life. But I think of you. And everything comes back into focus. My motives are clear, my intentions are pure. And I can see it all in your face, your eyes. I can see your shimmering soul. I realize that I must have written that list for a reason - and I go back to finishing it. I wrote the list because I want something... and that is selfish, I know. But I cannot help but be selfish for this. Let me tell you what it is. I have always wanted love. True love. I have loved women in the past, so I believed, but I now realize that was not true. Those, feelings, were synthetic. I fashioned them out of good intention for people that I liked and wanted to make happy. It wasn't insincere. I built them because I thought that's what love was. Love was an effort, a struggle, a compromise. Work. Love was making yourself the way someone wanted you, because they only wanted the best for you. Love was about staying in at night and sleeping, but not touching. It was about building a bunker and fighting against everyone outside. It was artificial moonlight. A shadow cast on your soul that, though it protects you, obscures you. And then, love was about staying with someone, even if they hurt you every day. Even if every time you looked at them, you saw in their eyes a deadness towards you. Even if when you looked at them, you thought "I could never love this person forever." Even if the thought of them was repulsive, or if you recoiled at their touch. But that was not love. None of that is love. None of it brought me any fulfillment or content. It made me weary and afraid, weak and angry. Restless and barren. It tore me into little pieces that I may never be able to reconstruct. It made me the person I am today. The person who is ready for true love finally. The person who knows enough to know it when he sees it, standing in front of him, short and beautiful and wearing braces on its crooked teeth. You're what I've always wanted, Kirsten. You're beautiful and wonderful. You're why cavemen chiseled on walls. You are the reason for everything I know and when I look into your eyes, I understand why I was born and I understand why I will die. And I cannot be afraid of things anymore. Not when you are with me. Not when you are standing next to me tomorrow, or on our wedding day, or on our final day. On each day together, you give me strength to go further than I did the day before. I could build a house. I could climb a mountain. I could beat Shakespeare. All because of you. You are the true love I have looked for my whole life. A love that overthrows the senses. That leaves me stuttering and speechless and with my mind racing in a thousand directions to figure out how to make you smile. A love filled with poems we write, filled with songs we sing. Filled with little moments where we can say "if this isn't good, I don't know what is!" A quiet place where we can hold hands. A beach where nobody speaks our language and it is enough to sit and smile, the sand between our toes. Where lips do what hands do. A love with blindfolded road trips and surprise picnics in the hills. A love with massages on the bad days, soup on the sick days, and bliss on all the days between. Comfort from the hardnesses of the world. Soft poetry and soft skin at night and daytimes filled with sunshine. When we are far apart, we will be in each other's hearts and our voices will carry across the satellites and beam back home. But we will never be apart for too long. And I will never leave you. And you will never leave me. Forever, even as the world falls down and the stars collapse and god draws the curtain down on this grand experiment of his. Our lives will be a breathless adventure and testament. And when we do depart, on that black day when we take our final bows, we will gift to mankind a monument to love, put forth in terms so plain and firm as to command their assent. Future generations will scarce believe that such a pair as us ever in flesh and blood walked the earth. Ours will be a story and then a legend and then a myth, passing in time. And in a thousand years, a boy who has never felt the love we have will read our story. He will despair. He will believe that people in our time had for each other deeper feelings and richer feelings than he can experience. But I will write for him a note and tell him... I will make him understand, because I love him too, more than he can know as I write this. We have phenomenal capacity. We are a great people, growing greater and deeper with each generation. And there is no fight we cannot win, no feeling we cannot hold as our own. Life is ours and it is whatever we make it be. I love you. Omeed. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today. This one too.

July 22nd, 2006 - Take My Hand and Never Let Go

I feel completely insane. I can feel my mind moving in a thousand directions at once. And I feel frantic, panicked. Like I can no longer control what I'm doing, like something else has taken it over from me. I feel like a part of something bigger than you and I alone. The gestalt of it is... tremendous. It's scary... but it also feels like I can do no wrong. I can see what should happen next, like I can see the future and know exactly where to go and what to say. And, though I am overwhelmed by the tasks I have set myself, I have an energy that is beyond compare. You know the term "a labor of love"? I finally understand what that means. Every action, every word, every purpose drives me further and gives me more strength I didn't know I had. And I will never be defeated. I will never need to rest. I can go on forever like this. At least that's how it feels. I feel my soul burning for you. I want to talk about fate for the rest of this post. I have never believed in fate or destiny or any of that stuff. It always seemed ridiculous. Foolish. As if the universe or god or someone had control of my actions. As if I couldn't control my own world. Seems ridiculous, right? If I wanted, I could buy an airplane ticket right now and fly to Amsterdam to live for the rest of my life as a homeless person and speak only in French. I could throw my teacup across the room. I could jump through this window. I could go up to any girl and tell her that I loved her. I have control. I have choice. I can make my own destiny. I am the master of my universe. Right? Those things that look like fate, those are coincidences. Random events that look connected because we have cognitive functions, because we are trained to look for patterns in the chaos. There is no hand guiding us through this world, no places we were meant to be, no events that were ordained on high. Well, the last time I saw you, there was one of those events. Was it a coincidence? Was it fate? I don't know... I don't feel qualified to make such judgments. I'm not the universe's referee. I'm just a dude. But I felt it. I felt like it wasn't a coincidence. I felt the hand of fate on my chin, lifting my eyes up, trying to change my mind. And, though it is a small thing, an insignificant thing - trivial in this spinning, expanding universe - to me it felt large. It made me feel less alone. Here's what happened: Last Sunday, I made an email address for you (OmeedLovesKirsten@gmail.com). My intent was to forward to you all of the different things that people emailed me about you, in response to my posts on here and Craigslist. Then I would give you the password, so you could read the thousands and thousands of emails that lovers around the world had written you to encourage you to follow your heart. It was a beautiful idea, born out of true love, with noble ideals and a call for a global community of love. I think there are probably about ten emails in there, by the way. So much for the lovers of the world. Thanks a lot guys! Originally, I had the password set as KirstenLovesOmeed. But, I realized very quickly that people would be able to guess that, so if some jerk wanted to hack it and do something stupid, they could. So I changed the password. I wanted it to be something about love... something iconic... something that you would immediately recognize and appreciate. Something from a great movie. What does any of that have to do with fate? Think about it. Think about it for a little while. It should become very obvious what the password is. A coincidence? Or something altogether... else? Once you've got the password, read the emails that are in there. There are only a few, but they are the dreams of beautiful people who believe, as I do, in True Love. They want you to live freely, they want you to live the beautiful life that we could have together. They are reaching out to you, calling upon your heart, showing you the best of humanity - that total strangers, half a world away, wish you, a person they will never meet, a good and happy life. It makes me believe in humanity all over again, even at its darkest moments, when it seems that we can do nothing but hurt one another. I look at those emails at it gives me strength. Thank you - all of you - who wrote them. It means more to me than you can possibly know. I love you Kirsten, Omeed. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today. This one too.

July 21st, 2006 - Don't Be Afraid to Be in Love with Me

I am filled with so much love today. I am also exhausted beyond anything I have ever felt before. My eyelids are huge and heavy. When they fall across my eyes, I cannot open them again for several moments. Eyelids closed, I feel a small amount of relief from a headache that has become so regular that I do not even notice it anymore. Each time this happens, it takes some reserves of strength I have never known before not to collapse. But this is not written yet - and it must be. Soon enough, I think, I will be able to rest. Soon, I pray, she will hold me in her arms and stroke the hair out of my eyes. I will feel her cool hands on my hot temples and they will be soothing, as if anointed. Her hand on my shaking chest will be warm and my heartbeat slow finally, and I will breathe no longer in gasps, and a million fears and doubts will quiet in my shouting brain. And I will sleep, for the first time in a week, I will sleep the sleep of a man at peace. And, for the first time in my life, I will sleep the sleep of a man held by his true love. And when I wake up again, the world will have changed. The colors brighter, the resolution deeper. A world vivid and bursting. A place to share and explore. To create... wonderful things. Every thing will be in its right place, after so many years of wandering through the tall grass, wandering through the forest blind and sad and silent. But that is not this night. This night, exhaustion drowns my soul, and I cannot even see straight. I feel as if the weight of everything I have done this week has finally caught up to me, as if I cannot keep my head above the water. I feel as though I can do no other thing but surrender. This is the feeling, I think, this must be the feeling of dying. And it is at that moment, when all hope seems lost and the world seems to recede, I think of you. It is with that, with the sound of your voice saved on my cellphone, with the memory of your lips on my lips, that I come back. And I am filled with the strength of an army, filled with the bristling determination to go forward and finish what I have begun. I made a commitment to you, to show you all of the things I love about you, to change your mind, and open your eyes to the beauty of the possible. If I weaken, if I waver, I could not look into the mirror again. I could not face myself, to have disappointed you in this moment of trial, in this, the most important moment in my life. Because I need your love. It has a sustaining effect on my soul. It is a blessing, it is a nourishment, it is the most incredible thing I have ever felt. I will never, never let it go, not while there is life left in my fingers, not while there is strength in my spirit. Yesterday, something happened that was stunning. I have not doubted, since I met you, that we were meant to be together, but thus far I have only had my own intuition to tell me that. But now, I have backup. I have a credible, citable source - I know that this was ordained by powers that I cannot understand (and have, thus far, chosen not to believe in). I have never in my life seen a thing that made me believe in fate until yesterday, but yesterday, I did see. And it opened my eyes to you. When I tell you about it, you will scare believe that it could happen. It made me afraid and, simultaneously, took away my fear. It was unplanned - and caught me off guard, left me speechless. It made me bold and it made me feel like the universe loves you and me and wants us to love each other. I know you are afraid. You are afraid of saying that you love me, because once you do, you can never take it back. You're afraid of what that means. You're afraid you're not ready for this. I understand. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and caught unprepared. It's frightening. You cannot tell what will happen, if things will work. And, worst of all, you can never tell if you are truly ready. You say that you don't feel ready. To that, I can only say that I love you. I love you for you are, whether you are ready for that or not. I love you in a way I couldn't even comprehend before I knew you. And I will wait as long as it takes for you to love me the same way. I will wait until you are ready. I will wait, day by day, month by month, even for years. I will wait while my hair grows gray and my breath grows short. I will wait until they shut the book on humanity and on and on and on and on and on. And on some planet a millionbillion light years away, they will see the two stars that seem to chase each other across the sky every night. And they will name them for us. It will be wonderful and sad. I will wait in the stars for you forever if you are not ready. So, please don't make me wait that long. Each day that goes by is another day we won't spend together, another day we missed on this friendly green planet. Every moment that passes is one we could have shared, looking into each other's eyes in the candlelight. It's another month before our white wedding and another year before the blue eyes of our children. And time passes, it passes quicker than we believe, and in a blinking moment, we might turn and look back and our whole lives will have passed with no result, waiting to be ready for something this powerful. I don't think if I had spent a hundred years preparing, I'd have been ready for what you did to my soul. There is so much we can give each other, so much we can learn and accomplish, so much we can build together. It seems a shame to miss a moment of it, when that love is here already, nestled between our souls. Waiting. For us. And it will wait. It will wait far longer than we have the capacity to, because our love is immortal. Omeed. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today. ps. In honor of your friend Richard, here is some additional reading on things we talked about last night. The Allegory of the Cave The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Pot Odds pps. I love Pedro. ppps. Thank you, my dear friends. Thank you for your support. Your friendships mean so much to me. pppps. I hear you better leave the back door open on Monday night.

July 20th, 2006 - Without You

Sometimes, my brain is a pretty crummy place to live. If anybody wanted to do me a favor, they'd blow it right out of my head. While I occasionally have moments of true inspiration, it can sometimes be a dark place, a sad place. Let me tell you about the saddest week of my life. It was earlier this year. It started on July 16th. So, just to clear that up, that's this week. The week we're currently in. That's a bummer, isn't it? Well, it gets better. Here's why: Have you ever been told something so wrong that your every molecule rebelled against it? I mean, something that struck you at the foundations of your soul in such plain and brutal terms that you could feel it filling your lungs and you knew, on an instinct level, that if you didn't rebel, if you didn't fight back, you would break into a thousand pieces and dissolve into the background radiation of the universe. Have you even been told that the entire premise of your life, everything that your mother taught you and that seems good and noble and real, was wrong and going and falling away from you? I have. It all started when you told me you didn't think you could ever love me. It seemed so... not true. I felt like I'd been hit by a train so hard and fast and out of nowhere that it just kept going with my soul smashed on the front of it as if nothing at all had happened. And here I was, left standing somehow. I felt dithered. Thin. I felt the lights go out inside of me. What was missing was not really my soul, though it felt like it. It was you. Your love which had been there before, your smile, your touch. What was missing was the future I had been quietly building for us in my head. The happiness I had inside. The pure content I felt, just knowing where you were in my life. Instead, there was a growing and palpable... absence. A black void, drawing in and distorting everything that made me feel real. The more I felt this, the less I could stand it. The emptiness. It was ceaseless and everywhere. It burned at the edges of me and cracked my skin. I just kept seeing memories - I was having the strongest memories of you - and feeling them fall away from me. And I was lost. I played music, but it was out of tune. I ate food, but couldn't digest it. I lay in bed, but couldn't sleep. I laughed, but couldn't smile. I looked at the world around me and saw only you, vanishing. I saw the colors draining out. My eyes burned, my stomach hurt. I was exhausted and sick and stumbling through a world that had stopped spinning. Every song was about you. Every green and blue thing in the world. Every molecule of oxygen in my blood. I walked from my house to the coffee shop and couldn't even bear to look up. Children riding their bikes. They were the children we would never have. Little houses. We'd never own them. The blue sky. We'd never soar through it together. Shadows came onto me. The laughter of little girls became cackling. All the birds became crows, screeching in their black heart processions. The sun turned ashen and every face I saw was distorted and hideous. I could feel demons everywhere in the darkness, squeezing the air out of my lungs, devouring my memories of you. Smothering my soul. I couldn't bear to look up anymore. If I lifted my eyes from the asphalt, the tears would well up in my burning sockets. I felt like I could never be a part of this world again. I felt like I was being taken from it. And then I walked into traffic and almost got hit by a car. I didn't even notice it. I didn't even see where it came from or that it was there. I just heard its horn after. I looked up and saw it, saw how close I was to death. And I couldn't even acknowledge it. I already felt death on me, tainting everything. I sat down in the coffee shop, somehow still alive. Somehow still breathing. And I realized, finally, the one truth in my life that was missing. I need your love. Like the sunshine. Without it, without you, I am diminished. I am pale and weak and weary. I am a wandering fool, telling sad stories for pennies to buy my bread. I eat the bread to go on telling sad stories. You give me a strength and power that no other man has. Your hands steady my spirit and your eyes always show me the truth, even when I am afraid of it. When I feel your love, everything in the world is better - and nothing is impossible anymore. The colors of life are deeper and the intention of every action is plain and profound. I can feel the wind at my back. I'm a superhero. I'm an angel. I'm Elvis. I can defy gravity. I see the individual moments of time coming towards me - and I know just what I will do with each of them. And I do not fear them. You make feel beautiful and make the things I do... meaningful. Right now, I feel so far away from you, from that. And it is the saddest thing I have ever experienced. I love you, Omeed. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today.

July 19th, 2006 - Waiting for the Miracle

Tue Jun 13 21:55:15 2006 Kirsten: i almost just typed "i love you" Omeed: aww. that's okay. ;) It's okay to be hesitant about things like romance. I can understand. You may think that some things are too good to be true. That you're just going to wake up one day - and all of these feelings, these promises will have evaporated and you will be left alone. I can't blame you. People aren't prepared for romance in their lives anymore. Think about your life. You get up. You go to work. You go to work again (poor you!). Things move too fast. You're on the internet talking to your friends so far away. You sleep. There is no time in life for romance anymore. No time to be whisked away to the country for the weekend and stand in the green grass and breathe in deep and just love someone. No time to send roses or write poems. People don't have the time or energy for it. Romance is dead today. And so we are taken completely by surprise when we see it. We cock our heads with a little puzzled look. We don't know how to react, agog, aghast. First, we think it's a ruse, because everything's a ruse anymore. You thought the first thing I wrote to you was to make fun of you. How's that for cynical? As if I'd make fun of a wonderful person I had just met. But back to the tricking. I write cartoons to trick kids into tricking their parents to spend their money. You call people on the telephone and trick them into mortgaging their futures away on dangerous credit cards. Somehow, America has conspired to trick everyone into thinking a shot of espresso and some milk is worth $4.50. Everybody always wants something from us - and they use sex and lies and explosions and guilt and romance to try and get us to buy it. Romance has got the fake scent of perfume on it. So, we come to see it a Trojan Horse, a way to exploit our most precious emotions and vulnerabilities. But it really isn't. And it really isn't dead. It's just that people don't take the time anymore. Most people cannot be bothered. You have to pause your modern life for a minute. You have to break the rules. And so, for most people, the maximum romance threshold lies somewhere around "flowers for your birthday, chocolates on Valentine's." Anything else is superfluous. It's weird. It's anachronistic. It puts people out too much. Now, let me tell you what I think about romance: Fuck that. Romance is the reason for life. It's a pure expression of love, taken and interpreted by a lover, tailored into a fashion of the times, especially crafted for the beloved, and presented with honesty and naked virtue. It is our way of saying "For you, I would give anything. For you, I would move the heavens and the earth. For you, I would sell my soul and dwell in the fires below. For you, I would stake a flag in a far-flung land and name it Kirstensylvania (or, possibly, something 20% better). Since I cannot, I have done this. I have made this for you. I have broken my routine, I have changed my life a little, with no aim except to make you smile." And when we are faced with that sort of passion, we are dumbstruck. It is difficult to believe that anyone could sincerely feel this way about us. And that is one of the things I liked about you, right from the start. I could tell on the first night that I met you that you were a sweetheart and a romantic. I could tell that you had gone from one relationship to another, always secretly hoping, secretly waiting for those little gestures of love that mean so much. I could tell that you deserved them. And I could tell that you had not received them. I wanted to make your little heart explode. I wanted to draw you into my gravity. Perhaps I came on too strong. Perhaps I should have been more conservative with my romantic gestures. I knew you weren't ready to be in a relationship. It was stupid of me to take it so far so fast. But I... wanted you so much. I wanted you to feel the way I knew you could feel inside, like a special perfect wonderful woman, lifted out of her little shoes by her own happiness. You looked lost and I wanted you to find me. I wanted us to be together. It was stupid. I wish I had waited until you were ready. Now I am so scared that you will have forgotten the feeling - and never get it back, no matter what I do. I don't think I've had a bigger regret in my life. For me, there have only been a handful of these moments in my life. Women seem even less romantically daring then men. Or maybe it's just me. Several of my favorite moments have been with you. The first time I kissed you. The last kiss we shared that night. Those times you drove up in the middle of the night to see me. When you brought me flowers after I got back from New York, after tricking me and saying you would be late, when in fact you were standing at my door. And I every time I held you close to me while you slept. That is the best. You made me feel... I thought I was someone else... someone good. I want to feel that way again. I love you, Omeed. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today. ps. I did a few nice things for people today. I complimented someone for doing a good job and made some people smile. I need to find the energy to do this all the time, because it's very rewarding. pps. I'm excited for July 24th... it cannot come quickly enough. Oh, and tell your mom not to cry anymore... something wonderful is happening to her wonderful daughter.

July 18th, 2006 - Making Wrong Things Right

Yesterday, you said that I lied to you in this thing I wrote, because I said this: "This is the last thing I am ever going to write about you..." And then obviously I made this site. I would never lie to you... when I wrote that, I meant that. It was true in that moment, that sad, sad moment. It was only after, when I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life without you, that I changed my mind. I know when I'm wrong... or, at least, I can usually admit it when someone else shows me, and I was wrong when I wrote that. The idea of leaving this relationship without a fight... it was wrong... it was foolhardy... it was impossible. So I decided to rewrite that piece to the way it should been in the first place. You've said before that you feel like these are just sweet, sweet words that will turn into bitter orange wax in your ears, that reality is an altogether different thing and these words are just castles in the clouds. You're scared that you might just fall in love with how the words make you feel and not fall in love with me. But the words I write are a part of me... and if you fall in love with them, you're falling in love with me. You've told me you're worried about getting involved, because you think sometimes you do it just for the validation, the feeling of being wanted. And I think you're probably partially correct. I'm sure you love the feeling. Everyone does. When a beautiful girl tells me she loves me (not that this ever happens, these days), it makes me feel so good. That's natural. But the way you respond to the things I have written... I think you understand that they're true. I think they mean something to you beyond the simple validation of the words. I write those things because I'm bursting with love for you and if I don't put them into words, I will quite simply just die. I love you. Omeed. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today. ps. Make sure you're free when the timer finally runs down to zero. That will happen on July 24th, at 10PM. Oh. And I tried to be nice to everyone today. I even made the baristas smile at the coffee shop.

July 17th, 2006 - I Know You Loved Me in Your Sparkling Soul

I think you have forgotten some of the things that happened between us - and I want to be able to remind you of how you felt in the moments that have passed. I can't let you slide into the shadows of my memory, where you would go from being the most wonderful person, to just a face and a voice, to a blurry photograph, to a name, to a missing piece of my life, to an empty space that I can't even feel anymore. Today's theme is "in your own words". I want you to look over this post and see how frequently you said things like "I haven't allowed myself to give my heart to you." How many times you stopped yourself from getting more involved, because you weren't ready. Here is part of an email you wrote me: Tonight you made me feel that way again. More so, because it was much more emotional this time. (Don't even try to play coy after posting this one. Don't ever deny your beautiful words again.) You did make me smile, as you do so frequently, so if that was your only goal, you've succeeded. You also made me cry. They may have been tears of happiness for feeling so overwhelmingly special and desirable. Or they may have been tears of sadness knowing that the things you say and do for me are the things I've fantasized about my entire life, and I've still not allowed myself to give my heart over to you. I've had a lot of these conflicting emotions every day since I've met you. So much of me wants to give in and allow myself to love you as I know you deserve to be loved - as you would love me. But the rational part of me needs to hold back... You have given me so much in your words and your actions, and I feel I have given you so little in comparison by not letting you in. So I apologize if there have been any times in the past week or so that you haven't felt even half as significant and desirable as you have made me feel. I assure you I am thinking of you often, and with fondness, even if I don't say it as often or as eloquently as you do. Yesterday I was so depressed. I skimmed through some of our AIM conversations and found some things you said that really make me think you should meet me in Montauk. These are all from conversations that took place in the past several weeks, up until, well, today. They are full of regret and despair and desire. They are roughly chronological and I have divided them into categories. I have made some formatting adjustments, but have tried to preserve the comments accurately. In no cases did I change or manipulate the meaning of your words. Here are the things that strike me, reading over these: You're a pretty darn good speller for as fast as you type, though not a big fan of apostrophes or capital letters. Up until the point where I guess you decided that you would not fall in love with me, you made consistent statements about how you felt. Granted, they thinned out a little towards the end, as our conversations in general did, but you never wavered from these five core principles. You'd make a hell of a (Republican) politician. Your voice comes right through the internet and is sweet and sincere and beautiful. Let's take a look. Reticence This group is things you said apologetically, to explain why you were less receptive to me than you would have liked. I understand why you said them, but I thought you should look through them. It also makes me sad because you hold out the hope that, one day, you would be through feeling like this and be ready to do all these wonderful things. But really, the point of these is for you to evaluate how often you said "I can't do this right now". If you're saying it this frequently to me, imagine how many times you were saying it to yourself. Think about what it might have done to our relationship, to have these sorts of things playing in the back of your mind, every time you wanted to touch me. it was just afterwards. like, you were saying really cute, sweet stuff. and i just felt weird...because normally i'd be all cute and "i love you, and you're amazing" and blah blah blah.... i felt like a jerk because i feel like i'm not able to give all of that to you i'm sorry. i just dont feel i should be... when i'm so confused about what i'm doing i havent treated you the way you deserve to be treated. i havent been able to love you the way i typically would... yeah, in the past i did do a lot just for whoever i was dating the person i date is always my best friend...and then when we break up, i lose that. it makes it a lot more lonely. and i'm not letting you in, and i dont know anyone out here..ugh i'm not normally like this. in a relationship, i devote a lot of time and energy to the person i'm dating...but you know...me being crazy and all at the moment i'm sorry. i'm usually better at showing people i care. i'm sorry you had to meet me now i just wish i was able to give myself more freely to you I'm Not Ready Here are instances of you explaining why you couldn't open your heart to me. I think that, because you felt you had to do that early in our relationship, it left you unable to appreciate how wonderful things actually were. In the rare moments when you let your guard down, there was a sparkle in your eyes that I have never seen before. I know you loved me down in your sparkling soul. yeah...i know. we just need to slow down but, i really need to stop myself from doing that right now. i need to spend some time figuring out what i want for myself...what is best for me and my life. and i tend to cloud those types of decisions when i'm in a relationship. i really didnt think i'd meet anyone i was interested in romantically...i just wanted to make some friends. you've been the sweetest boy i've ever met. all this s**t has been happening, and making me think. and i really just dont want to get into a relationship with you because you're there and i want to be loved. and i know there is more to it than that..because you really are great...but, i just need to think i'm sorry i can't be what you want right now i'm so sorry that i'm not ready for this yet. but i hope you know i care about you a LOT too. i'm sorry this is just a s****y time for me. i wouldnt ask you to wait for me. but, it's really just about me getting myself figured out and feeling right about going into this i like you a lot, but get scared of becoming too close. you deserve someone better i wish we had met at another time. because you're really amazing. and i'm sorry i cant be with you completely at this point i do like you a lot. but i just cant get into another serious relationship right now. i just jump into them all the time. and i want to make sure the next one i have is for the right reasons I Don't Know What I Want Here, you are lamenting the timing of our meeting and feeling generally bad because you could see that you were self-sabotaging our relationship. I understand why you needed to do it, but that time is over now. We should try again, without all the mixed feelings, without all the hesitations. You should meet me in Montauk. i feel like i am going to throw up right now because i'm worrying about it. i'm crying and sick and i hate this why did we have to meet now? i just feel really bad. like, when i was in the shower i was like "really, why does he even like me? i dont deserve him" i just really dont know what i need to do to be happy and ready for another relationships It Would Be So Easy to Fall in Love with You I can barely even read these. These are the moments where you tell me how you felt - and you can just see the anguish in your voice. And how many times you repeat these. I tried to leave out the redundant ones. You realized it so many times, that you loved me - you could feel it inside of you and you had to push it way down, to make sure you were okay. Read this section twice and tell me that you didn't feel it. Think back to how you felt when you said these words. Because you were in love with me then. i mean, i'm glad i did...because i really like you....plus i got sports night and flowers out of the whole deal... i mean, we'd be good together you make me feel more special than anyone ever has i wish i could love you yeah...it's just easier to not get attached if i dont spend lots of time with you. because you're really amazing. and wonderful. and fun you're so sweet and so great, and it'd be so easy to fall in love with you and the way you make me feel. i'm just sad for me. because i am probably going to miss out on one of the most amazing guys i've ever met no, i just meant that sometimes you just meet someone and it's easy to fall in love with them. you'd be easy to fall in love with. [ME] yeah... not so much. [KIRSTEN] yes you are i wish i could just commit to you and tell you i love you and just do it right...but this is just a s****y time for me at any other point, i would have already fallen in love with you by now if things were different in my life right now, i would have already told you i love you i really like you a lot. i think you're sweet and great and funny and i have a good time with you. and i know if i allowed myself to really open my heart to you, i would fall in love. you make me happy. i'm really sorry about this. i hate being this girl it's all my fault. it's not like you're doing anything wrong thank you. for being wonderful. and making me smile a lot i dont want those dudes. i like you i really like you too i just miss you someday [THE PINBALL MACHINE] will be in our house i wish i was there. wish i was there with you. all snuggled up next to you can i kiss you? can i stay the night there? i do like you a lot. i mean...i really do care about you. this sucks come hug me Don't Fall in Love with Anyone Else These are rough, too, because you are saying "don't fall in love with someone else - I want you to love me." Which I do. And you never had to worry about that, not for a second. And you never will. I have never met anyone who so captivated me, even at a distance. i'm scared you'll end up finding someone else and i'll miss out on a guy who is perfect for me dont fall in love with anyone while i'm gone dont you want to stick around long enough for us to fall in love? you're going to find someone else to fall in love with, arent you? dont find another girl did you tell her that you're seeing me? So these are just from AIM. Think about how many times you've said these things to me in person - or over the phone when I was far away. Think about how many times you've said them to yourself. Think about how hard it would be to love someone when you're putting up this kind of internal resistance. Then, think about how much love and passion and wonder there is in your words and thoughts. We can have that all again, in seven days, if you meet me in Montauk. Here is the picture I took for you today. Here is the song that makes me think of you today. I love you. Omeed. ps. Some of the images here are links. You should look for them every day.

July 16th, 2006 - Love at First Sight

Today I made this for you. Today I am sad. I fasted until the sun went down, like my family does at Ramadan. I've never been religious, but there's a beauty in the ritual. Do not take food or water during the day. It is a way to reflect on things. The plight of man. Those who go without. Those wandering in the desert, lost and hours from dying. I feel, weak. Since we talked this morning, I have been thinking about us. And this is what I have come up with. I can't lose someone so precious, so wonderful, just because we met at the wrong time. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to show you that this is a mistake. I wouldn't count myself any kind of man at all if I didn't tell you how I feel. I think you should take this week and consider what you want from your life - and if you want me in it, because I want you in my life like nothing I've ever wanted before. I ask you to visit this site every day until the timer runs out. If you want, you can email me here. When we met, it was something of a false start. I could see the love in your eyes. It was the same love I felt. It was the best feeling of my life. But you needed to hold back and I understood - I still understand. But in not allowing yourself to love me then, you missed all of the magic - and have forgotten it. The magic was there - it was there every time you let your guard down. Think about it. Remember. As you know, I am a writer. In my life, every woman I have ever dated has sulked and pouted about how I didn't write anything for them. With rare exception, I simply couldn't. I wasn't inspired. I didn't feel it. I couldn't. These women wanted to be a muse to me, with their bodies, with their hearts. They were not. But after you left that night, I wrote something for you instantly. It fell onto the pages on its own. I couldn't stop it. It was the only way to keep from exploding. I remember when you read it. Here it what you said about it. I hope you don't mind my reprinting it: I <3 you! I'm not quite sure if that post was a complete joke just to make fun of me and my craigslist obsession or not...but, if even some of it was real, that is the sweetest, most adorable, wonderful thing anyone has every done for me before! And even if it was just a big joke, it was really f*****g funny. Seriously, I'm so giddy and can't stop smiling right now. I want to give you the biggest hug ever! Thank you so much for making my night. <3, Kirsten The magic is in those words. Can you see it? I can still feel it when I read over that. I felt it so strongly that I sent you flowers the very next day. But here is something I have never told you: I have never believed in love at first sight. It sounded so hokey and fake, like something you would put in a Hallmark card. But I thought the day after we met... maybe, maybe, that was love at first sight. And it was. It took me forever to figure that out, as cynical as I am, but I loved you the moment you walked up to me, smiling. In my entire life, I had never kissed a girl on our first date until that night. Being socially awkward as I am, it's not a surprise, but honestly, I have never felt "the moment" the way I did with you. And when you kissed me back it was, well, it was something I will not forget. Magical. And deep in the night, when you decided to drive home, I walked you to your car and we kissed so many times. You couldn't leave my arms. And when you finally drove away, you stopped and opened your door to kiss me one last time. The magic was there, in that perfect moment, maybe the happiest moment of my life. So far. So I will end this entry. As of tomorrow, it's been three months since we met. I hope that you will meet me in Montauk when the timer runs out. I took this picture for you. This is the song that makes me think of you today. I love you. Omeed.