san diego craigslist > missed connections > I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor
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I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor (Not Mordor)

Reply to: pers-182829268@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-16, 9:55PM PDT


Since this is where our relationship began, it seems like this is the correct place for it to end.

This is the last thing I am ever going to write about you – and I'm not writing it for you; I'm writing it for me. So when you read this, remember that. Our chapter is gone and a part of me is dying because of you.

Here follows a list of its memories. These fragments I will shore against my ruins and try to forget, because they now mean nothing. The love and context drained, they are going from me and I hope that one day I will open this file on my computer with a slightly amused look on my much older face and think "I remember this now, and am glad I forgot, glad I am far away from that time and place."

* I was leaning against the wall in front of the bookstore. We kissed so many times that night.
* The flowers I sent the next day – and the flowers I almost sent in the last week I knew you.
* The things I wrote for you that made you smile with your crooked teeth.
* When you were sick and tired and I brought you flowers and soup and a movie and hugs.
* Making love to you safe and wonderful, it made me feel like I was home, when I have never had a home.
* Holding your hand while you cried.
* The sushi you tried and hated, but I had a beach picnic of berries and cream waiting for us, just in case.
* Beautiful things you made me say and think and feel… that I will never feel again.
* Moments of inspiration looking into your eyes, dreams of a new life, a happy one.
* All the things, every day while I knew you, when I thought of you, the way that my heart beat and all that I wanted was to hear your voice or feel your fingers on my spine.

The things I did for you, you never appreciated. Or, I should say, appreciated flatly, with a falseness in your heart that I could not see. These things are leaving me.

These are the things I would have done for you:

* Made you an eternal muse, a beautiful daydreamer, made them remember your name for all time.
* Put a warm feeling in your life that would never go away, no matter what they did to you, no matter what they took from you.
* Taken you across the world and shown you all the things that have made me feel like a human.
* Married you in a way that defies all explanation, so that you would never forget, never waver… so that when you told your friends the story, they would not have believed you. But you would know how much I loved you – and it would have given you the strength of ten souls.
* Taught our beautiful blue-eyed children that you were, in fact, the center of the universe, a celestial and holy creature – not just a maker of milk-and-cookie treats. They would have worshipped you as I would have. But they will never be born.
* Made every day of your life special and brilliant in a different way from the last, so as we grew old together, we would have had more than comfort, we would have had content.
* Held your hand on the final day and walked to the other place with you, into the darkness at the end, and made small jokes the whole way so you would be laughing instead of scared, because I never wanted you to be afraid.

But I never will. These things are leaving me.

I would have loved you with the fire of a thousand suns. I'd have burned brilliantly forever, fueled by your eyes, your lips. We would have been lovers in the old way, the legendary way, writing letters across time and space, dreaming little dreams of each other and waking each day together. We would have left a monument to our love so grand and stunning that future generations would hold their love against ours and find it cheap.

Ours would have been a pure love, a true love, a love at first sight, a love to echo through the ages. Ours would have been the love that so many dream of – and we would have given hope and solace to countless, ceaseless humanity.

But these things are leaving me.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.